Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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