I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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