kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
