Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
