tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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