Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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