Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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