dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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