Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
