mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way