im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.