im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
