I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
