at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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