her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
