I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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