I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
