There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
