So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
