I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
