take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
