So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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