ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
