i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
