Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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