half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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