And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
