carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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