My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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