I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
