when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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