Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
