sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
