Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
