my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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