I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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