please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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