Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
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We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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