Yo dont text me then not text me
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
