eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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