Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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