why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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