I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
