I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
