kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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