Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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