i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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