Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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