i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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