In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I can't turn off my feet"
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
