this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
