dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
