I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
