just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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