You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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