im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
