she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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