Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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