It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
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Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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